Missing

I dont get what the point is to miss someone.

I was missing someone a minnute ago when I realized that it does nothing

The missed will never know there missed

and the misser will only hurt from missing.

Whats the point in remembering bad things and bad people

When all that will happen is they will come back to haunt you

Everytime something bad happens with my family

I feel anger; resentment; why?

Because when things happen I used to depend on another to make things better

But when the other is not reachable... all you can do is miss them

and hate them for not being there

So why miss anymore? all it does is ruin the image you had of the person

Never ruin a pretty picture- no matter how faded and torn it gets.

The Wreck of the Day

Im at nicks house.. and he says he cant blog at his house..
SO IM GOING TO BLOG AT HIS HOUSE
because (racey) you know that I hate obeying :P

Anyways... so nick went out with Tyler last night.. and it was a date
XD and they had a little TOO much fun

xD So anyways--

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for real things:

Ok so....

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Hehe I just remembered MIKEY! omg.. We used to play that on MSN where we would take turns doing the dotts.. hehe.. I had so much fun with him...
Why did Jesse have to make it into something it wasnt? I lost a friend that way...

and you know what EVERYONE is doing that with Nick... every five seconds someone asks us if were going out or says we act like it... but we dont.. and it pisses me off..

Cant I just have a friend whos a friend and happens to be a guy...
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I wont ever be able to loose someone like I lost mikey...(hopefully anyways) but I dont want to even loose just friendship...

GOD im so frusturated! When did every day become a block in the road to somewhere else...

Why was I so happy yesterday.. yet so 'bothered' today?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Brothers and Sisters (Rants and Loves)

So yeah... I really really really wanted to talk to Racey during watching the Episodes of Brothers and sisters. but I couldnt because I didnt have internet, so I wrote down everything on post it notes :P Here are my loooovely Post It's (the first few may be out of order)

Cater Waitor
I know I didnt spell that right :P So I really thought this funny. He was all "yeah Ill pay you Your salery" and I just shook my head. Seriously I expected Kevin to know a little better. It was the only time in my whole eight episodes of B&S where I wanted to hit him. :P I love Kevin.. but he wasnt all that smart there. Although I do think Scotty was way to touchy... :P And I loved when Kevin said "I promise never to pay for anything ever again" XD

"I would have to care"
OMG he is soooo much like Racey I love it! When scotty went "I know your hurt" and he said "no to be hurt I would have to care" I was just like.. omg.. Its racey reincarnated in a thirty four year olds body!! HEHE I love Kevin. Oh but when Kevin said "go ahead bring your boyfriend.. hes hott" I was like OMG YOU ARE A GOD.. I friggen LOOOOVE Kevin.. :P

Kittys Antics Annoy Me
Theres Something about Kitty that just.. annoys me. Shes very... self deteriorating. And it bothers me. I dont know what else to say about this post it... It really explains itself.

Lol she was like "date" and he was all... No!
Lol she was all like "This is the first time Ive been on a date in years" and hahahahahah he was all like "Its not a date!" I WANTED TO LAUGH IN HER FACE!!!! but it wasnt that funny... how like they endid up getting toghether.. I was all like "writers... are you contradicting yourself?"

Amber
I love how dumb they portrayed her and then it turned out that she was smart... she even quoted froid to Kevin. It was hilarious!!!

TUCKER BOOTH!
THAT WAS FRIGGEN HILARIOUS Sarah and Kevin both lost there virginity to Tucker AND Justin got high with him.. XD :P That was soooo funny.

Screw Driver
"You know what a screw driver is" "Its orange and comes in a glass with ice in it" LMFAO... niiiiiiiice Kevin Niiiiiiice

"For Once"
'For Once Id like to have a conversations without you connecting it to my sexuality" That was brilliant.. I really wanted to say it to scotty so it was good that kevin did :P

Hey My SPERM!
I agreed with Kevin in the sperm situation. I mean... that would technically be his kid. It just didnt settle well with me.

I love this show!
It goes without saying..

Sarahs Step Son
OMG HE WAS HOTT!!!! There thinking of casting him as Jacob Black in twilight :P He wouldnt fit but oh my god hes hott. :P

Twin Towers
That was all very like emotional for me... My grandmother mother and brother were all three on a plane when it happened... and I got pulled out of class.. I was only in the fourth grade... And I really thought it was great that a show actually showed how it was... how scared people were...
Although the whole time I was thinking.. what did Racey think when he watched this...?

OMG REBBECCA IS THE DAUGHTER?!
omg... I friggen hate Holly...

Gilmore Relations

Have you ever felt like someone was pushing there opinions on you? Like they go and judge you, and some part of you knows, that they dont really know you and what they say shouldnt matter to you. But they used to be a friend and you used to trust them, so there opinion does matter?

I hate to be called immature. Im sixteen so I do do stupid things sometimes. So does every other sixteen year old. That doesnt make me immature, that just makes me normal. People shouldnt think they have the right to judge me and everyone else around them. You dont even KNOW me. You know who I am. And maybe some facts about me. But you dont physically know me. I dont need your opinion to tell me that the way I act or the way I feel is up to your status quo, because your quota shouldnt matter. Judge all you want, but the only person you should really be judging is yourself.

When Jess gave Luke a speach somewhat like this in Gilmore Girls, and I watched it the first time. I kind of thought Jess was the one out of line. But now I know where hes coming from. Some people try to be the mechanic, just so they dont have to realize that there the ones broken.

xoxo

Jess

Just a Quote

Willow: You can’t stop this.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It’s just, where else am I gonna go? You’ve been my best
friend for my whole life. World gonna end . . . where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You’re going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but . . . it
seemed kind of cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: I’m not joking. I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.
And I know you’re about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, and hey. I
still want to hang. You’re Willow.
Willow: Don’t call me that.
Xander: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon,
and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far, ending the world, not
a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah, I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow
and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I’m going out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the
world? Well, then, start with me. I’ve earned that.
Willow: You think I won’t.
Xander: It doesn’t matter. I’ll still love you.
Willow: Shut up.

Nick-y was a friend of mine...

Ive never really felt as comfortable and safe as I do when Im with nick, which is weird on some level because Nick is nothing more to me than a close friend.

And what makes it even more ironic.. is that me and nick fight a- lot.. I mean were playfully fighting.. but I cant tell you how many bruises I have or how many bites he has because weve been wrestling or fighting over the phone or just reaching in for a hug too quickly hehe.. but yet I feel safest when Im around him.

I love how we are so comfortable... like we were outside and I layed down in the grass.. and nick.. well nicks nick so he layed down on top of me.. and we kinda sat there for like fifteen minnutes... And it was just comfortable-

I dont know... Ive never felt the "safe and secure" feeling with a friend before- then again I havent had a friend like nick before.

Just A Memory

So Im laying awake.. exactly one hour away from turning sixteen.. and all of a sudden.. I remembered, I remembered what I was doing at this time one year ago EXACTLY. Hehe..

Lily had promised me this super awesome present. And I didnt know what it was.. I just knew it had to deal with Jesse.. so of course.. I was soo excited.. heh.. And I wanted to stay up till midnight.. so I could be there the second I turned fifteen and know what my present was... around nine thirty Jesse who was supposed to be staying up with me.. had to get off for kitty or something and he promised hed be back soon. So I stayed up.. I was sitting on the couch.. same comforter I have now.. with my moms laptop proped up in my lap... the screen was so bright against the light.. and it burned my eyes.. but it didnt matter.. I had to stay up.. I wanted to. I was so happy. But as I always did back then... I fell asleep.. right around ten...

The computer was still propped up and on when I woke up.. around two.. I looked at the screen and there were three IM's now. One with a billion messages from taylor saying "wake up wake up... Jesses back.. birthday girl wake up!" lol with numerous nudges. And one from lily.. telling me what my birthday surprise was... and also explaining to me why it didnt work out. And One from Jesse... his was so sweet... it made me cry at two in the morning on my birthday.. hehe.. After trying very heartedly to wake me up.. he gave up and said:

~tucks her in and kisses her on the cheek~ I love you Jess.. happy birthday.
I know I cant be there to give you a present.. or a card but I love you, I really do.

...As soon as I remembered all that... I couldnt go to sleep... and I still cant.. It was so silly.. How hard I thought things were back then.. but then simple things like that.. made my day worth while... now looking back... and hearing everything everyone tells me to believe about how Jesse was a lie... how even he told me it all wasnt true... And I look back.. and I dont want to believe all those things. Because.. those things are what make me cry.. If I just believed I had a love and lost a love.. it wouldnt be so bad... but because I believe that there was no love... It was all a lie... my heart makes me not want to look forward after Ive looked back.. I just want to stare back and question why..

I guess lol.. I really broke the promise to myself about minnimal Jesse moments in this blog.. but Ill never really be able to keep all thoughts void of him..

I can listen to everyone talk and say it. But I know.. that whether the relationship was based on lies or deciet.. or cheating and stupidity, I loved what I thought he was, and after he said so many times he loved me back even when I persisted he didnt, because everyone else told me he didnt... well I believe him somewhat. And I think just because I believed everyone else.. and I let everyone else control how I thought and I let them make up my mind for me.. that I deserved some of what I got. In the end.. it doesnt really matter though. Because.. from now on.. when I look back I wont see pain.. Ill see what I had.. and what made me so happy everyday.

So Sweet

Fridays my birthday, I turn sixteen and I was going to have this big party, I had everything planned out. But my partys been "post-poned" now because of 'insufficient funds' hehe. What a stupid set of words, they used to make us say it at Disney, when I was working, and someones credit card had been declined, "insufficient funds" So on friday.. I have to sit through this thing with the chorus.. because even though two of the girls out of one class have the same birthday and it happens to be on that date.. they couldnt do it any other weekend. and then I go home and sit at home alone now? I know I shouldnt be so upset.. I mean its only a stupid party.. but its also that we dont have enough money for anything right now. We dont even have milk in the refrigerator.. and I cant talk to anyone about this.. all my friends dont have these kinds of problems... except maybe nick.. Hes the only friend I have who could even be classified lower middle class. but I dont talk to nick about those kinds of things.. and I know hes going to be mad at me because I cant go to his house tommorow.. because its already nine and my room didnt get finished. so Im grounded.

I just dont know where to see the good in all this.

xoxo

Jess

Teenage Angst

Day after day angst goes through our lives, some of us have minnimal angst, and others have a portion that could rival Harry Potters Angst. We feel this angst and it affects us, everything seems overdramtic, and our lives become something of consiquence not a gift. Why do we make ourselves feel this way, I have to believe the struggle is internal.

But Why???

--------------------------------

Today I woke up and for about five min I talked to racey. And he caught me. He caught me acting a little to cheery. I do it sometimes, I admit it. When Im not really in a good way, I try to present myself overly happy so people dont notice, but someone always does.

I was planning on coming to school and continuing to act this way, but I got back my paper I had worked so hard on. And I recieved, a 'C'. This paper, I had worked for hours and hours on end.. It was a SEVEN page paper... My friends loved it they all thought it great. But yet I got a C...

And all I could think was, "this is what I wanted to do with my life." And oh how angsty I was, I just kept thinking, "The one thing Im good at, the one thing that could get me somewhere.. and ever since I've been in this class.. every paper I recieve back.. is not an A." I didnt understand, I still dont. The one thing I thought I was good at. The one dream I had.. and it was slowly being crushed everyday by this teacher. What do I do now... now that I know, when I really try.. I cant even write. What do I do.. wander around dreamless.. and hopeless.. because I just keep seeming to fall.. and fall.. and fall.. and the opening to this pit just keeps getting further and further away.. the light getting dimmer and dimmer, when am I going to hit bottom, and when am I going to be able to climb back to the top...

Or worse, Am I going to be able to crawl back to the top?

xoxo

Jessica

Afraid

Theres so many things Im afraid of, but Im surprised to know, that writing my own feelings down in this blog sometimes scares me. Even when I shouldnt worry about what people think, when its most important to think "screw them" I think about what they are going to think about me. Why is that?

I really tried to keep this blog complain free but, I dont complain to people anymore.. I never tell people when Im hurt or scared. I used to do it all the time, I used to take comfort in it then I realized how annoying it is to listen to me when Im hurt or scared, how telling people was making people hate me. So I really tried to stop. I have a few blogs, lily set one up for me a while back when Roman first left, she used to be so nice.. I dont get what happened. She really wanted to help me.. but I never had motovation to do it. Id write everytime something big happened not everyday. So I still endid talking to one person about anything that scared or hurt me all the time. The one person who didnt get mad at me for it, the one person that understood (or so I thought). And now everyday when I go through bad things with my family.. I pray and I hope tht when I open MSN that it will say hes online.. I really prayed for it.. I stared at the screen so anxious... and he wasnt, so I tried aim.. I wasnt going to give up I wanted him online so bad.. right now.. just to listen to me. Just to tell me he understood.. Just to know someone cared. That I wasnt completley alone.. Thats all I wanted. And hes not.. online I mean. He wont be ever again.. hes dead now. Atleast hes dead to me..

Maybe thats a good thing
xoxo
Jess

Snap Crackle Pop

I just woke up and Im sitting here eating rice crispies. I didnt blog yesterday cause I was too lazy :P so I thought. First thing in the morn, Ill blog. lol, so here I am. :)

I dont know what to say- lol... all day yesterday I left my phone on silent and in my purse.. and I didnt realize it was on silent and in my purse so I started to feel bad cause you know.. I thought NO ONE was calling me. And i felt a little lonely cause it was like ten at night now.. but I was playing sims and then suddenly it dawned on me that my phone was in my purse.. and probably still on silent.. so I went and looked.. and it was and I had twelve missed calls :PP Most of which were from Nick :P But it was so late I didnt know if I should call him.. so instead.. I made him a house on Sims :PP XD I love sims. I know other people dont like it (For reasons unbeknowest to me). But I think its fun.. I get to make people do whatever I want to.. and when someone pisses me off.. I can kill them :PPP And then REMAKE them :) I enjoy it.. it kinda relieves stress.

Anywho- Nick called back... even though it was pretty late and we talked for a while. :) Hes a douche though so like I got bored pretty fast. He never talks he just listens.. and it drives me insane.. He doesnt act like that in person.. just on the phone.. (So you can kinda still tell Im a little sleepy.. Im like running all over the page with differen things)

Ok So lets get down to something thats not crazy-

Im reading The Freedom Writers Diary's, its so good. Its like reading the personal thoughts of someone you dont know.. and seeing how they grow. It makes you hope you can. Especially because all those diarys are real, just like Anne Franks. I remember in like the sixth grade we read parts of Anne Franks diary.. I kind of want to read the whole thing.

The post I did the other day, where I said I needed to change. I was serious. Some guy has been asking me out for a while, and I dont know... I dont personally like him all that much as anything more than a friend.But I was planning on going out with him anyways. But yesterday, It hit me I cant do that, If I dont like him.. why lead him on? So when we were watching the movie yesterday he sent me a note..and I lied to him to tell him no. but I told him no none the less.

But here comes the bad part... It kind of felt good to crush him. Like at first I didnt want to hurt him, but once I had.. It kind of made me fell good. It was wierd.


Anyways.. I touched a million different things in this post.. Sorry :P It was my early morning run down of yesterday :P

xoxo

Jessica Bell

I wont pick fresh flowers for you

So the past few days have been pretty good and exciting and a bunch has happened. But today I had a realization. Theres this junior in my school.. who I kind of had a thing with, and today after school we had this extra credit thing with my favorite teacher where we watched a movie. Well he came and I came and all.. which is kind of weird for me.. because.. he wasnt in any of my classes so I never had to see him.. but now I had to be in the same room with him..

god I know Im rambling and Im not making sense.. but Im trying so hard. Its just, I never had to face knowing he was there. And when he was it kinda like... made me paranoid. I knew what he had seen and what he knew about me that other people didnt and I was scared of what he thought. I always am scared of what people think. And then I realized... when your there and you actually have to deal with it, its different when you never see the person and you dont have to deal with it.

[Racey warning.. you wont like this boi]

Like..(the subject Im surprised I havent brought up already) Jesse... when I had to deal with him.. when he was online every day... I knew I still cared for him.. which was ok, until it caused us to just be stupid and get back together and break up and over and over again. We knew each other backwards and front.. (well we thought we knew backwards and front) and it just made it so that it was easier it was simpler.. for us anyways.. to go against everyone else to have each other to lean on... But now that hes gone, its so easy to not think about him.. its so easy to not let everything with him get to me.. most of the time. But some days he does get to me.. All the way across the country and he still gets to me. Still hurts me to think back... but it shouldnt.. and it didnt have to but thats the way we left it.. we went back so many times.. that I always thought we would just keep going back.. I didnt think one of us would just dissapear- leave all ties with the other loose and hanging- and I certainly didnt think it would be that easy to leave things hanging.

I need to change because I trust people and put to much into people than they deserve. I give to much of myself to other people which is the stupedist thing I could have done. It didnt hurt Jesse to leave and not come back.. It hurt me that he did it. And I should know.. I should learn and I should see.. how wrong that is. and How if I wasnt this way this wouldnt have happened and I wouldnt sit here and cry on random days because I had to think back. I have to change.. and I need to change. Because I think I loved him.. and I trusted him with something that he didnt really care about.

xoxo
Jessica