Day after day angst goes through our lives, some of us have minnimal angst, and others have a portion that could rival Harry Potters Angst. We feel this angst and it affects us, everything seems overdramtic, and our lives become something of consiquence not a gift. Why do we make ourselves feel this way, I have to believe the struggle is internal.
But Why???
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Today I woke up and for about five min I talked to racey. And he caught me. He caught me acting a little to cheery. I do it sometimes, I admit it. When Im not really in a good way, I try to present myself overly happy so people dont notice, but someone always does.
I was planning on coming to school and continuing to act this way, but I got back my paper I had worked so hard on. And I recieved, a 'C'. This paper, I had worked for hours and hours on end.. It was a SEVEN page paper... My friends loved it they all thought it great. But yet I got a C...
And all I could think was, "this is what I wanted to do with my life." And oh how angsty I was, I just kept thinking, "The one thing Im good at, the one thing that could get me somewhere.. and ever since I've been in this class.. every paper I recieve back.. is not an A." I didnt understand, I still dont. The one thing I thought I was good at. The one dream I had.. and it was slowly being crushed everyday by this teacher. What do I do now... now that I know, when I really try.. I cant even write. What do I do.. wander around dreamless.. and hopeless.. because I just keep seeming to fall.. and fall.. and fall.. and the opening to this pit just keeps getting further and further away.. the light getting dimmer and dimmer, when am I going to hit bottom, and when am I going to be able to climb back to the top...
Or worse, Am I going to be able to crawl back to the top?
xoxo
Jessica
2 comments:
Jess dear, I do think that angst and teenagers kinda go together. Everyone has days where they aren't feeling well, where the world seems much more dramatic then it truely is, and that's just part of it.
As for the C, don't sweat it. You have to remember that anything that is written is always an objective thing, that some days if the person is in a mad mood it causes them to mark things down, just because. It's nothing something that can be changed.
Also, I think that you'll crawl back to the top. Sometimes things happen, sometimes there are simply dark periods and thoughts. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a struggle we all have to face. It's gonna either make you or break you, and knowing you it's going make you :).
*huggles* It'll get better, eventually, if not really soon. Love ya.
Grading writting is never an objective thing it depends on the person who marks, even though teachers pray for neutral position they cant put their feelings, preferences and thoughts aside.
My Portuguese teacher for 2 years would always give me C, when i had to make a national exam at the end of high school however i got an A! and her dear A students got C's.
You can try talk to the teacher and see what's wrong and try to get better. When doing something you need to keep in mind to whom you're doing it, sometimes even though you prefer tihngs one way if you wanna succeed you have to do it in the way you know it will be accepeted, or you can wish not to be accepeted.
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