Unattainable

12/22/07


So its in the morning.. lol.. this is random.. ok well.. My dad called my phone this morning.. (and woke me up) and tried as hard as hell to get her to come up for christmas.. and I know she wants to.. but we just dont have enough money...


I want to go so bad though... its not even funny.. I mean I want to stay and spend time with nick and Courtney.. but I want to go home and spend time with my family.. and eat christmas dinner.. at three in the afternoon on Christmas eav... I want to see lacey and kyle.. and see how big conner is..


I want to see how the twins are doing... Ive only seen Emily and Elizabeth twice in my life... There my sisters.. I should see them more often... I just want to go home.. visit some old friends... do something... I cant stay here.. and just keep going in this stupid Cicrle... where what I want for christmas is an unattainable dream... I cant do that.. I want to go home where I get my family for christmas... but I know we wont... my hopes and dreams are unattainable


(can you tell unattainable is my new fav word)

Something Ive got to say

hahh.. I had a long ass post right here.. but I was afraid.. people might read it.. xD so I changed it :) love much!

Sometimes

im afraid of looking in the mirror
Cause I know what I'll see.. the uglieness inside of me.

Snow White

Ok.. so I was watching B&S last night- yeah well I friggen love kevin but he really needs to get with scotty!! :)

---
I was also watching Rules of attraction on Saturday- That was a weird movie!!

---
Im at nicks right now :)-- Sometimes I wonder how I can stay friends with him- not that I dont like him as a person- I do but thats the problem it means were getting close and I dont want to get close-- Already he knows all my secrets except the one I cant tell him-- and I just dont think I can handle that

:( Theres things I want to say but im too scared that someone will read this.

Quotes :)

Jesse- (Be all you can be in the Army) says:heh cuz i can make any girl fall for me
Roma says:... righhhht
Jesse- (Be all you can be in the Army) says:like you
Jesse- (Be all you can be in the Army) says:you love me
Roma says:theres a D on the end of the second word Jesse

------------
you know you skim through old conversations but you never think youll find a good quote like that :P Something that makes you laugh- though at the time you knew it was hard having the conversation.. now looking at it makes you giggle at the stupidity you once embraced.

I know I had said its not good to remember, but maybe its not remembering thats the problem. Its remembering whats good over whats bad thats the problem...


Other Things I Found:
JAAbigsis (6:29:23 PM): although other people have brought you up alot since then
JAAbigsis (6:29:30 PM): oh shush no one tell racey Im talking to you
JAAbigsis (6:29:43 PM): if we have any contact he will hate me for forever he says ShadowedFate4 (6:29:51 PM): he can hate me all he wants, the feelings mutual
JAAbigsis (6:30:15 PM): :O
JAAbigsis (6:30:18 PM): he doesnt hate you
JAAbigsis (6:30:30 PM): he just hates me and you
ShadowedFate4 (6:30:21 PM): i thought he did
JAAbigsis (6:30:43 PM): talking
JAAbigsis (6:30:43 PM): xD
ShadowedFate4 (6:30:44 PM): he hates our awesome well baked mouth watering cookies
JAAbigsis (6:31:07 PM): looool
ShadowedFate4 (6:30:51 PM): that's what he hates mwahaha
JAAbigsis (6:31:12 PM): loooooool
JAAbigsis (6:31:28 PM): no but like in January when I was really upset I went to him
ShadowedFate4 (6:31:34 PM): i wonder if drinking all this soda is gonna make my sperm die off more
JAAbigsis (6:32:12 PM): for consoling and he just doesnt want me to hurt which you have just been really good at doing in the past
JAAbigsis (6:32:47 PM): probably jesse
JAAbigsis (6:32:51 PM): your going to be spermless
-------

wowie- I cant believe I was willing to risk Raceys friendship for someone who was so ADHD that he started talking about his sperm dying in the middle of a conversation- wow Im an idiot
[[This was a long time ago btw]]

Missing

I dont get what the point is to miss someone.

I was missing someone a minnute ago when I realized that it does nothing

The missed will never know there missed

and the misser will only hurt from missing.

Whats the point in remembering bad things and bad people

When all that will happen is they will come back to haunt you

Everytime something bad happens with my family

I feel anger; resentment; why?

Because when things happen I used to depend on another to make things better

But when the other is not reachable... all you can do is miss them

and hate them for not being there

So why miss anymore? all it does is ruin the image you had of the person

Never ruin a pretty picture- no matter how faded and torn it gets.

The Wreck of the Day

Im at nicks house.. and he says he cant blog at his house..
SO IM GOING TO BLOG AT HIS HOUSE
because (racey) you know that I hate obeying :P

Anyways... so nick went out with Tyler last night.. and it was a date
XD and they had a little TOO much fun

xD So anyways--

---------

for real things:

Ok so....

......
...
..
...
....
.....
Hehe I just remembered MIKEY! omg.. We used to play that on MSN where we would take turns doing the dotts.. hehe.. I had so much fun with him...
Why did Jesse have to make it into something it wasnt? I lost a friend that way...

and you know what EVERYONE is doing that with Nick... every five seconds someone asks us if were going out or says we act like it... but we dont.. and it pisses me off..

Cant I just have a friend whos a friend and happens to be a guy...
----
I wont ever be able to loose someone like I lost mikey...(hopefully anyways) but I dont want to even loose just friendship...

GOD im so frusturated! When did every day become a block in the road to somewhere else...

Why was I so happy yesterday.. yet so 'bothered' today?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Brothers and Sisters (Rants and Loves)

So yeah... I really really really wanted to talk to Racey during watching the Episodes of Brothers and sisters. but I couldnt because I didnt have internet, so I wrote down everything on post it notes :P Here are my loooovely Post It's (the first few may be out of order)

Cater Waitor
I know I didnt spell that right :P So I really thought this funny. He was all "yeah Ill pay you Your salery" and I just shook my head. Seriously I expected Kevin to know a little better. It was the only time in my whole eight episodes of B&S where I wanted to hit him. :P I love Kevin.. but he wasnt all that smart there. Although I do think Scotty was way to touchy... :P And I loved when Kevin said "I promise never to pay for anything ever again" XD

"I would have to care"
OMG he is soooo much like Racey I love it! When scotty went "I know your hurt" and he said "no to be hurt I would have to care" I was just like.. omg.. Its racey reincarnated in a thirty four year olds body!! HEHE I love Kevin. Oh but when Kevin said "go ahead bring your boyfriend.. hes hott" I was like OMG YOU ARE A GOD.. I friggen LOOOOVE Kevin.. :P

Kittys Antics Annoy Me
Theres Something about Kitty that just.. annoys me. Shes very... self deteriorating. And it bothers me. I dont know what else to say about this post it... It really explains itself.

Lol she was like "date" and he was all... No!
Lol she was all like "This is the first time Ive been on a date in years" and hahahahahah he was all like "Its not a date!" I WANTED TO LAUGH IN HER FACE!!!! but it wasnt that funny... how like they endid up getting toghether.. I was all like "writers... are you contradicting yourself?"

Amber
I love how dumb they portrayed her and then it turned out that she was smart... she even quoted froid to Kevin. It was hilarious!!!

TUCKER BOOTH!
THAT WAS FRIGGEN HILARIOUS Sarah and Kevin both lost there virginity to Tucker AND Justin got high with him.. XD :P That was soooo funny.

Screw Driver
"You know what a screw driver is" "Its orange and comes in a glass with ice in it" LMFAO... niiiiiiiice Kevin Niiiiiiice

"For Once"
'For Once Id like to have a conversations without you connecting it to my sexuality" That was brilliant.. I really wanted to say it to scotty so it was good that kevin did :P

Hey My SPERM!
I agreed with Kevin in the sperm situation. I mean... that would technically be his kid. It just didnt settle well with me.

I love this show!
It goes without saying..

Sarahs Step Son
OMG HE WAS HOTT!!!! There thinking of casting him as Jacob Black in twilight :P He wouldnt fit but oh my god hes hott. :P

Twin Towers
That was all very like emotional for me... My grandmother mother and brother were all three on a plane when it happened... and I got pulled out of class.. I was only in the fourth grade... And I really thought it was great that a show actually showed how it was... how scared people were...
Although the whole time I was thinking.. what did Racey think when he watched this...?

OMG REBBECCA IS THE DAUGHTER?!
omg... I friggen hate Holly...

Gilmore Relations

Have you ever felt like someone was pushing there opinions on you? Like they go and judge you, and some part of you knows, that they dont really know you and what they say shouldnt matter to you. But they used to be a friend and you used to trust them, so there opinion does matter?

I hate to be called immature. Im sixteen so I do do stupid things sometimes. So does every other sixteen year old. That doesnt make me immature, that just makes me normal. People shouldnt think they have the right to judge me and everyone else around them. You dont even KNOW me. You know who I am. And maybe some facts about me. But you dont physically know me. I dont need your opinion to tell me that the way I act or the way I feel is up to your status quo, because your quota shouldnt matter. Judge all you want, but the only person you should really be judging is yourself.

When Jess gave Luke a speach somewhat like this in Gilmore Girls, and I watched it the first time. I kind of thought Jess was the one out of line. But now I know where hes coming from. Some people try to be the mechanic, just so they dont have to realize that there the ones broken.

xoxo

Jess

Just a Quote

Willow: You can’t stop this.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It’s just, where else am I gonna go? You’ve been my best
friend for my whole life. World gonna end . . . where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You’re going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but . . . it
seemed kind of cartoony.
Willow: Still making jokes.
Xander: I’m not joking. I know you’re in pain. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.
And I know you’re about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid, and hey. I
still want to hang. You’re Willow.
Willow: Don’t call me that.
Xander: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon,
and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You’ve come pretty far, ending the world, not
a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah, I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow
and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I’m going out, it’s here. If you wanna kill the
world? Well, then, start with me. I’ve earned that.
Willow: You think I won’t.
Xander: It doesn’t matter. I’ll still love you.
Willow: Shut up.

Nick-y was a friend of mine...

Ive never really felt as comfortable and safe as I do when Im with nick, which is weird on some level because Nick is nothing more to me than a close friend.

And what makes it even more ironic.. is that me and nick fight a- lot.. I mean were playfully fighting.. but I cant tell you how many bruises I have or how many bites he has because weve been wrestling or fighting over the phone or just reaching in for a hug too quickly hehe.. but yet I feel safest when Im around him.

I love how we are so comfortable... like we were outside and I layed down in the grass.. and nick.. well nicks nick so he layed down on top of me.. and we kinda sat there for like fifteen minnutes... And it was just comfortable-

I dont know... Ive never felt the "safe and secure" feeling with a friend before- then again I havent had a friend like nick before.

Just A Memory

So Im laying awake.. exactly one hour away from turning sixteen.. and all of a sudden.. I remembered, I remembered what I was doing at this time one year ago EXACTLY. Hehe..

Lily had promised me this super awesome present. And I didnt know what it was.. I just knew it had to deal with Jesse.. so of course.. I was soo excited.. heh.. And I wanted to stay up till midnight.. so I could be there the second I turned fifteen and know what my present was... around nine thirty Jesse who was supposed to be staying up with me.. had to get off for kitty or something and he promised hed be back soon. So I stayed up.. I was sitting on the couch.. same comforter I have now.. with my moms laptop proped up in my lap... the screen was so bright against the light.. and it burned my eyes.. but it didnt matter.. I had to stay up.. I wanted to. I was so happy. But as I always did back then... I fell asleep.. right around ten...

The computer was still propped up and on when I woke up.. around two.. I looked at the screen and there were three IM's now. One with a billion messages from taylor saying "wake up wake up... Jesses back.. birthday girl wake up!" lol with numerous nudges. And one from lily.. telling me what my birthday surprise was... and also explaining to me why it didnt work out. And One from Jesse... his was so sweet... it made me cry at two in the morning on my birthday.. hehe.. After trying very heartedly to wake me up.. he gave up and said:

~tucks her in and kisses her on the cheek~ I love you Jess.. happy birthday.
I know I cant be there to give you a present.. or a card but I love you, I really do.

...As soon as I remembered all that... I couldnt go to sleep... and I still cant.. It was so silly.. How hard I thought things were back then.. but then simple things like that.. made my day worth while... now looking back... and hearing everything everyone tells me to believe about how Jesse was a lie... how even he told me it all wasnt true... And I look back.. and I dont want to believe all those things. Because.. those things are what make me cry.. If I just believed I had a love and lost a love.. it wouldnt be so bad... but because I believe that there was no love... It was all a lie... my heart makes me not want to look forward after Ive looked back.. I just want to stare back and question why..

I guess lol.. I really broke the promise to myself about minnimal Jesse moments in this blog.. but Ill never really be able to keep all thoughts void of him..

I can listen to everyone talk and say it. But I know.. that whether the relationship was based on lies or deciet.. or cheating and stupidity, I loved what I thought he was, and after he said so many times he loved me back even when I persisted he didnt, because everyone else told me he didnt... well I believe him somewhat. And I think just because I believed everyone else.. and I let everyone else control how I thought and I let them make up my mind for me.. that I deserved some of what I got. In the end.. it doesnt really matter though. Because.. from now on.. when I look back I wont see pain.. Ill see what I had.. and what made me so happy everyday.

So Sweet

Fridays my birthday, I turn sixteen and I was going to have this big party, I had everything planned out. But my partys been "post-poned" now because of 'insufficient funds' hehe. What a stupid set of words, they used to make us say it at Disney, when I was working, and someones credit card had been declined, "insufficient funds" So on friday.. I have to sit through this thing with the chorus.. because even though two of the girls out of one class have the same birthday and it happens to be on that date.. they couldnt do it any other weekend. and then I go home and sit at home alone now? I know I shouldnt be so upset.. I mean its only a stupid party.. but its also that we dont have enough money for anything right now. We dont even have milk in the refrigerator.. and I cant talk to anyone about this.. all my friends dont have these kinds of problems... except maybe nick.. Hes the only friend I have who could even be classified lower middle class. but I dont talk to nick about those kinds of things.. and I know hes going to be mad at me because I cant go to his house tommorow.. because its already nine and my room didnt get finished. so Im grounded.

I just dont know where to see the good in all this.

xoxo

Jess

Teenage Angst

Day after day angst goes through our lives, some of us have minnimal angst, and others have a portion that could rival Harry Potters Angst. We feel this angst and it affects us, everything seems overdramtic, and our lives become something of consiquence not a gift. Why do we make ourselves feel this way, I have to believe the struggle is internal.

But Why???

--------------------------------

Today I woke up and for about five min I talked to racey. And he caught me. He caught me acting a little to cheery. I do it sometimes, I admit it. When Im not really in a good way, I try to present myself overly happy so people dont notice, but someone always does.

I was planning on coming to school and continuing to act this way, but I got back my paper I had worked so hard on. And I recieved, a 'C'. This paper, I had worked for hours and hours on end.. It was a SEVEN page paper... My friends loved it they all thought it great. But yet I got a C...

And all I could think was, "this is what I wanted to do with my life." And oh how angsty I was, I just kept thinking, "The one thing Im good at, the one thing that could get me somewhere.. and ever since I've been in this class.. every paper I recieve back.. is not an A." I didnt understand, I still dont. The one thing I thought I was good at. The one dream I had.. and it was slowly being crushed everyday by this teacher. What do I do now... now that I know, when I really try.. I cant even write. What do I do.. wander around dreamless.. and hopeless.. because I just keep seeming to fall.. and fall.. and fall.. and the opening to this pit just keeps getting further and further away.. the light getting dimmer and dimmer, when am I going to hit bottom, and when am I going to be able to climb back to the top...

Or worse, Am I going to be able to crawl back to the top?

xoxo

Jessica

Afraid

Theres so many things Im afraid of, but Im surprised to know, that writing my own feelings down in this blog sometimes scares me. Even when I shouldnt worry about what people think, when its most important to think "screw them" I think about what they are going to think about me. Why is that?

I really tried to keep this blog complain free but, I dont complain to people anymore.. I never tell people when Im hurt or scared. I used to do it all the time, I used to take comfort in it then I realized how annoying it is to listen to me when Im hurt or scared, how telling people was making people hate me. So I really tried to stop. I have a few blogs, lily set one up for me a while back when Roman first left, she used to be so nice.. I dont get what happened. She really wanted to help me.. but I never had motovation to do it. Id write everytime something big happened not everyday. So I still endid talking to one person about anything that scared or hurt me all the time. The one person who didnt get mad at me for it, the one person that understood (or so I thought). And now everyday when I go through bad things with my family.. I pray and I hope tht when I open MSN that it will say hes online.. I really prayed for it.. I stared at the screen so anxious... and he wasnt, so I tried aim.. I wasnt going to give up I wanted him online so bad.. right now.. just to listen to me. Just to tell me he understood.. Just to know someone cared. That I wasnt completley alone.. Thats all I wanted. And hes not.. online I mean. He wont be ever again.. hes dead now. Atleast hes dead to me..

Maybe thats a good thing
xoxo
Jess

Snap Crackle Pop

I just woke up and Im sitting here eating rice crispies. I didnt blog yesterday cause I was too lazy :P so I thought. First thing in the morn, Ill blog. lol, so here I am. :)

I dont know what to say- lol... all day yesterday I left my phone on silent and in my purse.. and I didnt realize it was on silent and in my purse so I started to feel bad cause you know.. I thought NO ONE was calling me. And i felt a little lonely cause it was like ten at night now.. but I was playing sims and then suddenly it dawned on me that my phone was in my purse.. and probably still on silent.. so I went and looked.. and it was and I had twelve missed calls :PP Most of which were from Nick :P But it was so late I didnt know if I should call him.. so instead.. I made him a house on Sims :PP XD I love sims. I know other people dont like it (For reasons unbeknowest to me). But I think its fun.. I get to make people do whatever I want to.. and when someone pisses me off.. I can kill them :PPP And then REMAKE them :) I enjoy it.. it kinda relieves stress.

Anywho- Nick called back... even though it was pretty late and we talked for a while. :) Hes a douche though so like I got bored pretty fast. He never talks he just listens.. and it drives me insane.. He doesnt act like that in person.. just on the phone.. (So you can kinda still tell Im a little sleepy.. Im like running all over the page with differen things)

Ok So lets get down to something thats not crazy-

Im reading The Freedom Writers Diary's, its so good. Its like reading the personal thoughts of someone you dont know.. and seeing how they grow. It makes you hope you can. Especially because all those diarys are real, just like Anne Franks. I remember in like the sixth grade we read parts of Anne Franks diary.. I kind of want to read the whole thing.

The post I did the other day, where I said I needed to change. I was serious. Some guy has been asking me out for a while, and I dont know... I dont personally like him all that much as anything more than a friend.But I was planning on going out with him anyways. But yesterday, It hit me I cant do that, If I dont like him.. why lead him on? So when we were watching the movie yesterday he sent me a note..and I lied to him to tell him no. but I told him no none the less.

But here comes the bad part... It kind of felt good to crush him. Like at first I didnt want to hurt him, but once I had.. It kind of made me fell good. It was wierd.


Anyways.. I touched a million different things in this post.. Sorry :P It was my early morning run down of yesterday :P

xoxo

Jessica Bell

I wont pick fresh flowers for you

So the past few days have been pretty good and exciting and a bunch has happened. But today I had a realization. Theres this junior in my school.. who I kind of had a thing with, and today after school we had this extra credit thing with my favorite teacher where we watched a movie. Well he came and I came and all.. which is kind of weird for me.. because.. he wasnt in any of my classes so I never had to see him.. but now I had to be in the same room with him..

god I know Im rambling and Im not making sense.. but Im trying so hard. Its just, I never had to face knowing he was there. And when he was it kinda like... made me paranoid. I knew what he had seen and what he knew about me that other people didnt and I was scared of what he thought. I always am scared of what people think. And then I realized... when your there and you actually have to deal with it, its different when you never see the person and you dont have to deal with it.

[Racey warning.. you wont like this boi]

Like..(the subject Im surprised I havent brought up already) Jesse... when I had to deal with him.. when he was online every day... I knew I still cared for him.. which was ok, until it caused us to just be stupid and get back together and break up and over and over again. We knew each other backwards and front.. (well we thought we knew backwards and front) and it just made it so that it was easier it was simpler.. for us anyways.. to go against everyone else to have each other to lean on... But now that hes gone, its so easy to not think about him.. its so easy to not let everything with him get to me.. most of the time. But some days he does get to me.. All the way across the country and he still gets to me. Still hurts me to think back... but it shouldnt.. and it didnt have to but thats the way we left it.. we went back so many times.. that I always thought we would just keep going back.. I didnt think one of us would just dissapear- leave all ties with the other loose and hanging- and I certainly didnt think it would be that easy to leave things hanging.

I need to change because I trust people and put to much into people than they deserve. I give to much of myself to other people which is the stupedist thing I could have done. It didnt hurt Jesse to leave and not come back.. It hurt me that he did it. And I should know.. I should learn and I should see.. how wrong that is. and How if I wasnt this way this wouldnt have happened and I wouldnt sit here and cry on random days because I had to think back. I have to change.. and I need to change. Because I think I loved him.. and I trusted him with something that he didnt really care about.

xoxo
Jessica

he says hes got a girl in chelsea, he wants so much.

Not much to say about today..

It was very uneventful, my science teacher told me he saw I was slipping a little So I have to work just a little extra hard in that class now.. but yeah..


NOTHING HAPPENED imagine that :P

XOXO

Jessica

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Tyme

So what I dont usually dabble in is religion. But I have to.. I just finished the season finale (and the cut off of all JOA) of Joan of Arcadia.. a delightful show about a modern day Joan of arc figure. The show is just reaching is climax, when its taken off the air for poor ratings. Which I cant say I helped because I only watched Joan of Arc after it had come out on DVD.. not knowing and not being able to comprehend its importance before hand.

When I went to church camp and said something about the show, I got some nasty feedback.. I mean along the lines of religion watching a show where god manifests himself into human forms is apparently not all that biblically correct. But the show makes me question, Many times Im on the path to not believing at all and I watch an episode and it makes me want to reach out to god. I realize god isnt like the god that appears, as an old woman, a very cute bi-standard, a teenage slacker, or a little girl in JOA. But It makes me realize hes out there enough to affect media and the world around me and it makes me question why Im not connecting with god on any level much less a level that I know I could connect with him on.


blah.. anyways-- I know only two people (maybe three) read this blog.. and I know.. that only one of those two people actually comments.. so this time I encourage silent reader to become a little less silant and already commentor reader to go a little further with his comments and make a point. :) Love you guys.. seriously

Jess

xoxo

A letter from china

Here is my handwriting analysis:

Quote:
You are moderately outgoing. Your emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, you can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. You have the ability to put yourself into the other peoples shoes. You will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes you'll be happy, the next day you might be sad. You have the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because you are in between. Psychology calls you an ambivert. You understand the needs of both types. Although they get along, you not tolerate anyone that is too "far out". You don't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing you to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to you. You put yourself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet you not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. You are an expressive person. You outwardly shows your emotions. You might even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. You are a "middle-of-the-roader", politically as well as logically. You weigh both sides of an issue, sit on the fence, and then will decide when you finally have to. You basically don't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

I dont know.. its kind of true but kind of not.. I mean I am very emotional.. and moody.. but Im a definate democrat in the politicall sense.. well.. I dont know.. sometimes people mistake me for a republican... I dont know...

Quote:
People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, you don't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.I guess thats true.. Im not sure You are secretive. You have secrets which you do not wish to share with others. You intentionally conceal things about yourself. You have a private side that you intend to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in your past.

.... *looks at shoes* I agree

Quote:
You can be defiant. You sometimes have the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way you are doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which you think are infringing upon your freedom of action.

..... *looks at shoes* I dont know Elfie.. what do you think... *Thinks back on all the mods...* ok so MAYBE its one hundred percent true.

Quote:
In reference to your mental abilities, you have a very investigating and creating mind. You investigate projects rapidly because you are curious about many things. You get involved in many projects that seem good in the beginning, but you soon must slow down and look at all the angles. You probably get too many things going at once. When you slow down, you become more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, you must slow down to do it. You then decide what projects you have time to finish. Thus you finish at a slower pace than when you started the project. You have the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Your mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. You can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. You can then switch into your low gear. When you are in the slower mode, you can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. You are more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Uhm... sure... yeah...

Quote:
You are a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. You need to visualize the end of a project before you start. You find joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said you plan everything you are going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. You basically feels good about yourself. You have a positive self-esteem which contributes to your success. You feel you have the ability to achieve anything you set your mind to. However, you set your goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". You have enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, you not take great risks, as they relate to your goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence category, your self-perception is better than average.

.. uh no.. ok so yeah.. I take a great deal of joy in planning things.. and I do plan a lot of things.. but I have a very very very low self esteem.. I mean I really do and I know and admit that.. And really I dont have good enough self confidence to leave a bad situation.. I usually hang on to bad situations and base the blame of the bad on myself, Id rather have a bad situation than no situation... so basically.. yeah.

Quote:
You are sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect your ego when you feel hurt. You poke people harder than you get poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

... Ok so maybe its true. But only for some things.. theres people I do this too and then theres people that I let walk all over me ie. Emma and I always display sarcastic remarks to each other, probably more than anyone else; but Racey... if he says something sarcastic or anything criticle I draw into myself.. and dont sarcasticlly bite him. So its .. I dont know.

Quote:
You have a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. You let new people into your circle of friends. You use your imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Its true... thats pretty much all I can say about that

Quote:
You exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although you may not intend to deceive or mislead, you blow things way out of proportion because that is the way you view them. You be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of your material world. You allows many people into your life because you are accepting and trusting. You are sometimes called gullible by your friends. That only really means that you trust too many people. You have a vivid imagination.

Ok so it happens to be true... I get called gullible and told that I trust to easily a lot. And I have a tendancy to make a bigger deal about something not that big every once in a while or so Im told.

Quote:
For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct you have left lots of white space on the all four borders of the paper. You fills up just the center area of the page. If this is true, then you have a particular shyness toward people and a fear of moving too fast in any direction. In some cultures, respecting people, rules, and adhering to protocol are ways of life. The right side of the page represents the future and the left side represents the past. You seems a bit stuck in the middle, afraid to take action. You seems to have a fear of looking bad or of crossing boundaries. It will be easy to work with you on a team, because you will usually follow the rules. However, this desire to respect the boundaries can often be construed as a lack of confidence and people will walk over you if you are not careful.

.....*looks up at the ceiling fan* so... maybe its true.... (wow its getting dusty up there.. hehe)

Go to sleep Go to sleep Go to sleep little baby

Ok so this was my dream

My dad used to be a baseball player for his highschool and he was really really good but he and my mom got in a car wreck before I was born, But in my dream they hadnt had the car wreck and my dad was still playing baseball and he was really good. But he hurt himself somehow and we all went to the hospital.. but my grandma and grandpa wanted him to die. And I overheard them and they tried everything to keep me away from them.. It was very weird.. (these wernt my real grandparents in my dream they were prettier than mine.. and eviler than mine lol) Then many things went on where I had to run from them and try to find my father at the same time. And you know how sometimes dream details change... well the details did.. It wasnt my dad I was looking for anymore it was my boyfriend and he played football not baseball and I was a cheerleader.. I even used pom poms to stop the bad guys from hitting me. Lol but then I finnaly reached his room and he was recovering well and I dont know what happened to the grandparents but it seemed like they dissapeared... and I just think about what happened and I dont know- It felt like I really loved this dream boyfriend I had. His name was Austin but he looked more like a mixture of Nick and Will. And he was injured enough that he couldnt play in the game that was about to take place And he was in a wheel chair.. well we came out to the game and he sat by the bench.. and I asked him, since you cant play do you want me to cheer? and I Dont remember his awnser but either way I just sat there on his lap (while hes in the wheelchair) and we watched the game..

It was strangly a comforting and exciting dream... but its making me wonder. Ive been so afraid to even put myself out there cause Ive been so afraid of things ending badly, and I personally hate the begining of relationships. But maybe realizing that things could get to that point where the other person comforts you just by being there and sitting with you, maybe thats enough to make you endure the bad stuff. And Id come out of my little hole where I supposedly enjoy being single.. and you know endure it. But Im still a little scared...

Merrriiiiily sing

So what is it with the Blue cup... Its everywhere and I just think it deserves some credit.

This blue cup is the blue cup we see in all the reality TV shows on MTV and VH1.. that we just know are full with beer.... So why do we never give this cup its credit? Is it time to pay attention to those who deserve it?

Theres one thing that has been a constant my whole high school career, One thing I could always depend on. Chorus. But I never really did think I could sing all that well, and yes Mr. Hayes did put me in advanced chorus but what does that prove? Maybe I should drop Chorus next semester and take Spanish or something... I dont know.. All I know is that maybe I dont need a constant anymore.. maybe I can loose my childhood blanket.

Hark How The Bells

What if we are on the path to reaching our goals... blithly unaware when a cloud covers the moon and the darkness shades the path and you dont know which way to go. Do you stumble and fall... and hope the cloud will leave the moon in peace. Or do you take a step in stride, thinking maybe its a luner eclipse, and why lay on the ground for hours. How do you stay on the path when you cant see where its going? When something blocks your view.

Most people say assume for the best, but in all actuality that can only hinder you. Always assume the worst, its the only way to know youll have a chance at staying on the path. Its the only way you can find your own light when the earth is between the moon and sun.

We Are the Champions my Friendddddd

So we won the game... the biggest game of the season.. we beat a team we havent been able to beat for four years!!!!! WE DID IT! Im sooo excited

But we made bets.. and now.. I have to kiss nick :X yuuuck :P

Anywayyyyyyyssss

So I dont like Will anymore cause Tiffany likes him and now HAS him :) Zippa dee Doooo daa

And Im toning down the whole Kyle A. thing (which I havent mentioned before) but it helps to put it in writing

I think I might go out with Britt.. not sure yet.. Hes kinda cute for a band geek..

ANYWAYS

Raceyyys a douche, an Awesome one but still

AND WE WONNN!!!!1

to excited to go into detail :P *loveeee*

xoxo

Jessica

Oh Happy Day, Oh Happy day

Courtney and Carol are friends again!
which has nothing at all to do with this post but for the record I was mentioning it.. oh and Im still not friends with carol and she has my 'Just Listen' by Sarah Dessen and I need it back

ANYWHO

Theres a song, Oh happy day, and it totaly describes today :P! I and a few other specially picked people from chorus get to sing at the pep rally tommorow and we sing that song.. (when we beat the devils- which is the other schools mascot) So yayyyy! I get to be in it.. and Sing oh happy day.

Anyways, I went to courtneys after school which was awesome :P the most fun Ive had in a LOOOOOONG ass time. :) Her brother is soooo stupid but very funny.

Shes coming home with me tommorow so I dont know how much time Ill be able to spend on the computer :) but Ill try really hard to blog every day :)

Saturdayyy is our concert in the park for chorus.. and I cant wait.!!!! WE SING ABBA thats right.. I finnaly came to tell you :P We are singing Dancing Queen for chorus this year.. its soooooo awesome.. we have the best choerography [by Heather Key btw] And yeah... Its gonna be awesome

ANDDDD I actually did better on my Science test then most people and I guessed on pretty much everything.. I endid up getting a C which in my grade book was bad.. but compared to everyone elses I was like A saint...

Theres this kid austin.. whos a freshman.. who sits next to me in that class.. and I call him Bob.. cause the kid is really shy... well I just mentioned him cause.. well I felt like it.. but yeah.. he exists :P

Anyways... IT WAS AN OOOOOOOH SO HAPPPPPPY DAY :P

oh and I ate some yuuuuuuumy Tomato soup at Courtneys... with grilled cheese people


AND courtney has now introduced me to Macoroni and cheese with a few drops of honey-- Try it, its REALLY good.. and only a few drops isnt going to kill you people..

xoxo

Jessica

Racey Bacey Bo Bacey

This is a continuation/add on to the paragraph about Racey :) I had in my last post...

I originally had a whole bunch but deleted a lot of it to spare his feelings.. and now Im going to try to remember what I wrote.. and add on to it. :)

So here goes:

Speaking of Racey... I think I should just let a little steam off. Everyone would be very surprised to know how mad I get at race. Sometimes his little "Im too good for the world" Attitude, really just puts me over the top. I mean who the hell does he think he is. Gods gift to gay men?! seriously... Anywho It really annoys me how everytime I talk to him I come off sounding like more of a little kid.. and it gets worse each time.. its like i decrease in age and maturity every time I talk to him. Which I know I dont but thats the front I put up, for reasons unbeknowest to me. I feel like I cant show some of my true colors to him because of how anal he is about me being the way I am. I cant even classify racey as one of my good friends cause he always wants to change me. Which is most likely WHY I put up the little front.. If I act like a two year old and say the dumbest things then he will focus more on hating that then hating me as a person. I talk a lot.. and I complain A LOT thats just how I am. RACEY sits there and he cant even let emotion seep out at all. Ive never actually seen him get emotional about anything other than music.. and thats not even like a true emotion thats a consumer emotion.... ect. The paragraph was going to continue (and I added a little more it seems) but i stopped to erase it at this point... :)

Dont hate me for my opinion Racey :P I dont hate you for yours. (It just annoys me :))

Oh Shanandoe

For some reason I was exahsted when I woke up this morning, Which is only weird because I went to sleep fairly early. So when I woke up my throat hurt just a tad and my stomache kind of twinged, so I endid up asking my mom if I could stay home, and coming up with a really good excuse... and now Im home, sick... well not.

The only thing is that theres nothing to do in my house when I get sick. I endid up watching the end of Tila Tiquila (sp?) which btw.. suprisingly is a somewhat good show. And then I had nothing to do.. so I downloaded songs for an hour. And now Im just sitting here, nothing much to do. Its lunch time too, but theres nothing in my house to eat. I might watch The Prince and the Pauper, only because Ive never seen it, Ive only seen the barbie version (The Princess and the Pauper) hehe. Theres nothing really on right now so I just.. kinda will have to watch that.

I read ambers blogs though, and Im a little surprised, I always thought amber was smart, but shes really not. She should atleast know that me and rai like her for her. I mean Racey wouldnt waste his time talking to her if he didnt like her.

Speaking of Racey... I think I should just let a little steam off. Everyone would be very surprised to know how mad I get at race. Sometimes his little "Im to good for the world" Attitude, really just puts me over the top. I just... gr...

Oh and dont get me started on Nick. I think one of the reasons I didnt go to school today was so I didnt have to go to his house after school. Im just so sick of dealing with him. Hes just been so bitchy lately. And I told him who I liked (will) and he like did this little thing were he was mad for like thirty seconds, then he was shocked or something it was really stupid. And we both can tell were getting pissed with each other and were spending too much time together, but he still persists on coming to be partners with me for all the stupid math stuff. Sometimes I would like to work alone you know. UGH and if one more person says were going out, asks if were going out, or says we SHOULD go out, I swear to god I will kill them. I just want to shout out, NICKS GAY, but I cant because A) he hasnt come out and B) he has a girlfriend? I mean seriously what the hell is up with him and Jordan, there supposedly dating but Jordan has a girlfriend and wants him to get a boyfriend. I dont understand nick, seriously. I just dont get why his girlfriend would encourage him to get with someone else. Im starting to think that nick being gay isnt all that... well truthful.. I dont know. Im SO confused that I dont even want to DEAL with him.

AND GRRRR I had a conversation the other night with amber about a certain boy, and its coming back to haunt me, usually I dont talk in depth about him anymore, and now that I have... well Its like hes popping up in all my conversations. I just, dont understand... why he closed up ends with everyone but me... Why leave me with loose ends huh? Why? Is it some joke I just dont get, or did he leave the ends loose because he cared... Thats all very hard to believe.. I didnt even know he was going.. He was just gone.. I dont get it. And for this... he can rott in hell. :)

Courtney, is like the most awesomest person in the world. On a scale of one to ten for best friends shes an eleven. :) Shes awesome.

Tiffany... is on the edge now.. I dont know if Im ok with her... or if Im still kinda pissed at her.. I dont think it matters

And my birthday partys coming up and I dont know if I want to invite Madison anymore.. thats all I will say about that

AND OMG I love amber.. even if she is stupid- and I cant wait for gossip girl to come on.

xoxo
Jessica

Gayly They Ring While People Sing

I have a cold.

Its not even cold outside yet, and I have a cold. A bad cold at that, My nose is so stuffed and it feels like my nose takes up this giant portion of my face.

Anyways, I got in trouble today and first periode, who would have thought. Hehe, she over piles us with work, and then she was just so anal, it annoyed me, but life goes on.

That reminds me, My cold had me all out of sync today, and when I was in Earth Space Hildgenberg was giving the class a lecture about the layers of the atmosphere, and then all of a sudden he called on me to answer a question. And for like a full ten seconds, I just couldnt think. My mind just went blank. It was weird, and embarrising. Speaking of embarresing, I think brett likes me... Not that that would be bad, I just I dont know what I think about it yet. Oh and Benny, baasically wants to get laid, and told me and Summer to call him.... So I called him gay, then took it back because I realized how much I was insulting Racey and Nick and Tyler, by putting them in the same group as Benny :P

So theres a boy, theres always a boy isnt there, well his name is Will, and we sit with him at lunch, hes a freshman but soooo adorable, and I have two concerns, 1) I think he may be gay and 2) I think I may like him.

=]

Xoxo

Jessica

We sing a christmas CAROL

Carol....

Well.. see, Everytime I walked up to her and sebastian it just SEEMED like SHE was flirting. To me its a definate that yeah she was, but thats my opinion.. and stupid me... goes off and tells courtney so now courtney and Carol are at it.. like there like GRRRRRR... its kinda scary (Well Courtney is scary). Carol came up and yelled at me too, but it really didnt phaze me. I calmly told her exactly why Courtney was mad at her. I was really proud of myself, I dont usually resist the urge to go off on someone, but I did.

Anyways,

I have two papers due tommorow, One thats five paragraphs, and one thats five pages.

Also:
I have two new blogging ideas

• The First is that when I do the title for my blog entry itll be something to do with music.. and to do with the blog. So today I mostly wrote about Carol.. so to make it about music I wrote "we sing a christmas Carol" you see... =] Im so special :P
• And Second, Every week Ill have a "three words of the week " thing, where I sum up my whole last week in three words. I dont know if Im going to put it in my about me, or if Im going to just have it in every sunday post... or what. But yeah thats my awesome Idea

Anyways loves, I have to be off now!

Tootles,

Jessica

Homecoming

Hello all,

I hate to bore everyone with simple facts about myself, so I'll keep things very simple.

My name is Jessica, Im fifteen years old. (give me 19 days and Ill be 16) I'm a sophomore at my high school. I love reading, and music. And I hope to become a psycologist, or counceler.

Theres one oober bad thing about me though, I seem to attract more gay guys, then straight ones. =] Though it seems funny now, it becomes a real hassel. (so thats enough about me hehe)

So last night was homecoming, and maybe I expected to much, or just was too excited, but by an hour into the dance, I was like having no fun. When I went to Sarah Scott we had Snowball, and it was such a big deal. It was like a junior prom, and things were always so much fun. It was huge. But this homecoming, though the set up was nice and all, was like boring. I mean they didnt play a variety of music, they just played a genre. None of my favorite songs got played, and they didnt even play Gimme More, which is getting up there in the charts now people and its awesome for dancing. Well anyways, there music sucked, and the chaperones! Oh the chaperones they DID NOT do a good job, they just stood there in a clump and talked the whole dance. I walked back to the table my stuff was on to check my cell messages, and two people had sex... in a chair. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Not only was that SLUTTY but it was just gross.

And to top all of it off, none of the people I came with wanted to dance, WTFH why would you come to homecoming if your not going to dance? I mean seriously, I just it made me so mad. Everyonce in a while I would get Courtney to dance with me but that was it. Then there was a little drama with courtney and sebastian... (which kinda makes the whole under the sea thing.. really cute but) The thing is... I wasnt about to help. Ok I like this guy, I really do. But Courtney announced to everyone, and see I usually dont do that when I like someone, actually I usually deny it till I cant deny it anymore. Well anyways, I just left sebastian and courtneys mess alone most of the time, till it came when he and carol were always standing next to each other, thats when I noticed Carol was sitting there blatantly flirting with sebastian even though courtney had just said she liked him. I wanted to kill Carol. I like the guy and I wouldnt even do that.

These past few days Ive really gotten to know carol, and I cant stand her. It really drove me insane. So in the end i just endid up sitting at my table (AFTER the sex freaks left) I danced with Ben (who btw.. Is gay) on the one slow song they played. And Frankie on a few fast songs. But mainly with MG, Tiffany, and Courtney.

It really sucked that Nick couldnt go, I mean I think I would have had a lot more fun with him there. He wouldnt have let me go off alone, he wouldnt have let me get upset, he wouldnt have let it be bad.

Speaking of nick, Im starting to get really close to him, and I'm sharing a lot more now with him then I had, because I put up a wall at school. And usually, people dont get to see past it, but... Somehow nick got a full account of a story that I usually dont share details about. And now that he knows, it seems like I want to depend on him. But thats what marks for... Marks already super jealous that I even hang out with nick as much as I do. Its really getting to me, Ive never seen a gay guy more jealous then mark. :)

ANYWAYS.. wow.. that was a lot of probably useless info for you.

Love always,

Jessica

Caution: Men working

Hey,

So my friend made a blog, and he just seems the least likely person to have one, so since he has one now, I might as well get one right?

I obviously, just made this, so Im still adding things here and there. But mainly this will be about me, and whats going on in my life.

Ive never really been able to keep up with a blog or a journal, but I always need somewhere to vent, maybe I can pull it off here.

Well thats all for now,
Jessica

-- back in 2 and 2