Just A Memory

So Im laying awake.. exactly one hour away from turning sixteen.. and all of a sudden.. I remembered, I remembered what I was doing at this time one year ago EXACTLY. Hehe..

Lily had promised me this super awesome present. And I didnt know what it was.. I just knew it had to deal with Jesse.. so of course.. I was soo excited.. heh.. And I wanted to stay up till midnight.. so I could be there the second I turned fifteen and know what my present was... around nine thirty Jesse who was supposed to be staying up with me.. had to get off for kitty or something and he promised hed be back soon. So I stayed up.. I was sitting on the couch.. same comforter I have now.. with my moms laptop proped up in my lap... the screen was so bright against the light.. and it burned my eyes.. but it didnt matter.. I had to stay up.. I wanted to. I was so happy. But as I always did back then... I fell asleep.. right around ten...

The computer was still propped up and on when I woke up.. around two.. I looked at the screen and there were three IM's now. One with a billion messages from taylor saying "wake up wake up... Jesses back.. birthday girl wake up!" lol with numerous nudges. And one from lily.. telling me what my birthday surprise was... and also explaining to me why it didnt work out. And One from Jesse... his was so sweet... it made me cry at two in the morning on my birthday.. hehe.. After trying very heartedly to wake me up.. he gave up and said:

~tucks her in and kisses her on the cheek~ I love you Jess.. happy birthday.
I know I cant be there to give you a present.. or a card but I love you, I really do.

...As soon as I remembered all that... I couldnt go to sleep... and I still cant.. It was so silly.. How hard I thought things were back then.. but then simple things like that.. made my day worth while... now looking back... and hearing everything everyone tells me to believe about how Jesse was a lie... how even he told me it all wasnt true... And I look back.. and I dont want to believe all those things. Because.. those things are what make me cry.. If I just believed I had a love and lost a love.. it wouldnt be so bad... but because I believe that there was no love... It was all a lie... my heart makes me not want to look forward after Ive looked back.. I just want to stare back and question why..

I guess lol.. I really broke the promise to myself about minnimal Jesse moments in this blog.. but Ill never really be able to keep all thoughts void of him..

I can listen to everyone talk and say it. But I know.. that whether the relationship was based on lies or deciet.. or cheating and stupidity, I loved what I thought he was, and after he said so many times he loved me back even when I persisted he didnt, because everyone else told me he didnt... well I believe him somewhat. And I think just because I believed everyone else.. and I let everyone else control how I thought and I let them make up my mind for me.. that I deserved some of what I got. In the end.. it doesnt really matter though. Because.. from now on.. when I look back I wont see pain.. Ill see what I had.. and what made me so happy everyday.