Afraid

Theres so many things Im afraid of, but Im surprised to know, that writing my own feelings down in this blog sometimes scares me. Even when I shouldnt worry about what people think, when its most important to think "screw them" I think about what they are going to think about me. Why is that?

I really tried to keep this blog complain free but, I dont complain to people anymore.. I never tell people when Im hurt or scared. I used to do it all the time, I used to take comfort in it then I realized how annoying it is to listen to me when Im hurt or scared, how telling people was making people hate me. So I really tried to stop. I have a few blogs, lily set one up for me a while back when Roman first left, she used to be so nice.. I dont get what happened. She really wanted to help me.. but I never had motovation to do it. Id write everytime something big happened not everyday. So I still endid talking to one person about anything that scared or hurt me all the time. The one person who didnt get mad at me for it, the one person that understood (or so I thought). And now everyday when I go through bad things with my family.. I pray and I hope tht when I open MSN that it will say hes online.. I really prayed for it.. I stared at the screen so anxious... and he wasnt, so I tried aim.. I wasnt going to give up I wanted him online so bad.. right now.. just to listen to me. Just to tell me he understood.. Just to know someone cared. That I wasnt completley alone.. Thats all I wanted. And hes not.. online I mean. He wont be ever again.. hes dead now. Atleast hes dead to me..

Maybe thats a good thing
xoxo
Jess