I wont pick fresh flowers for you

So the past few days have been pretty good and exciting and a bunch has happened. But today I had a realization. Theres this junior in my school.. who I kind of had a thing with, and today after school we had this extra credit thing with my favorite teacher where we watched a movie. Well he came and I came and all.. which is kind of weird for me.. because.. he wasnt in any of my classes so I never had to see him.. but now I had to be in the same room with him..

god I know Im rambling and Im not making sense.. but Im trying so hard. Its just, I never had to face knowing he was there. And when he was it kinda like... made me paranoid. I knew what he had seen and what he knew about me that other people didnt and I was scared of what he thought. I always am scared of what people think. And then I realized... when your there and you actually have to deal with it, its different when you never see the person and you dont have to deal with it.

[Racey warning.. you wont like this boi]

Like..(the subject Im surprised I havent brought up already) Jesse... when I had to deal with him.. when he was online every day... I knew I still cared for him.. which was ok, until it caused us to just be stupid and get back together and break up and over and over again. We knew each other backwards and front.. (well we thought we knew backwards and front) and it just made it so that it was easier it was simpler.. for us anyways.. to go against everyone else to have each other to lean on... But now that hes gone, its so easy to not think about him.. its so easy to not let everything with him get to me.. most of the time. But some days he does get to me.. All the way across the country and he still gets to me. Still hurts me to think back... but it shouldnt.. and it didnt have to but thats the way we left it.. we went back so many times.. that I always thought we would just keep going back.. I didnt think one of us would just dissapear- leave all ties with the other loose and hanging- and I certainly didnt think it would be that easy to leave things hanging.

I need to change because I trust people and put to much into people than they deserve. I give to much of myself to other people which is the stupedist thing I could have done. It didnt hurt Jesse to leave and not come back.. It hurt me that he did it. And I should know.. I should learn and I should see.. how wrong that is. and How if I wasnt this way this wouldnt have happened and I wouldnt sit here and cry on random days because I had to think back. I have to change.. and I need to change. Because I think I loved him.. and I trusted him with something that he didnt really care about.

xoxo
Jessica